


Nail Polish Intimacy

by SilentScreamer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Connor Lives AU, Fluff, M/M, References to Depression, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:36:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13165155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentScreamer/pseuds/SilentScreamer
Summary: Evan liked the weight of nail polish on his nails so why did he ever stop painting his nails? And getting back on the painted nails bandwagon counts as progress right?





	Nail Polish Intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for Dear Evan Hansen Secret Santa, my prompt was cute treebros on a date.

Evan sat at the kitchen table as he stared at the blank word document on his computer while he willed his hands to type up the letter he knew Dr. Sherman expected him to have tomorrow. He’d felt anxious over his appointment tomorrow because the past few weeks Evan had neglected his therapy letters and the concerned glances at the beginning of each session with Dr. Sherman where he’d stutter through his excuse for not having brought a letter with him wasn’t a repeat performance Evan wanted tomorrow.

Deep down Evan wasn’t sure that the letters had done any good but he’s pretty sure explaining that to Dr. Sherman wasn’t something he could put into words that the therapist would understand and even if he could somehow find the words to articulate what he was feeling Evan was sure that would only cause Dr. Sherman to call his mother and spill the beans to her about how decidedly little progress Evan had truly made. Evan was sure that would only lead to whispers about new medication and that’s just something he knows his mom can’t afford right now.

Evan was tired of being a burden to his mom so that’s why he sat at the kitchen table where he willed his brain to come up with something positive to say so he could fool his mom and Dr. Sherman just a little bit longer. 

Just a little bit longer and maybe he’d feel like things would look up.

_“Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a great day and here’s why because your mom is home tonight so you don’t have to worry about calling out for pizza and awkwardly wait while the delivery boy counts out your change.”_

Evan deleted what he’d written while he mentally chastised himself. Real good Evan that will show Dr. Sherman what excellent progress you’d made. That definitely won’t make him reach for your mom’s number.

Evan tried again.

_“Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a good day and here’s why because Connor is coming over later and maybe your mom won’t monopolize his time this time going over what new books they’ve both read lately so you won’t have to awkwardly sit in the living room nodding at the appropriate times feeling like nothing but a third wheel between your mom and boyfriend while secretly wondering if your mom wishes you were more like Connor who’d been showing more outward signs of improvement since Larry had stopped fighting Cynthia on getting Connor back into therapy and on more medication than just weed.”_

Deleted.

Maybe that letter was a bit too on the nose Evan murmured to himself. And talking about his and his mom’s frayed at best relationship wasn’t how Evan wanted to spend his session with Dr. Sherman tomorrow either.

Evan started typing again and he thought that the third time had to be the charm. _“Dear Evan Hansen today is going to be a good day and here’s why because today you sat with Zoe at lunch and you managed to help her with her biology homework without stuttering once and she kissed you on the cheek and while old you would have dissolved into a puddle of incoherency today you were fine. You blushed a little and playfully chided Alana that maybe she’d have competition for Zoe’s affections even though since the beginning of the year when you’d placed Zoe off of the pedestal you’d kept her on you realized that you were better friends with Zoe.” Evan finished deleting his latest letter when he’d heard his mom open the door and greeted Connor._

……………..

“Hi Connor, Evan’s in the kitchen,” Heidi remarked while she shut the door behind Connor.

Heidi watched as Connor toed off his shoes before he replied, “Thanks Ms. Hansen,” as he followed her toward the kitchen.

“You can call me Heidi dear,” she replied before she gently squeezed Connor’s shoulders.

Connor ducked his head before he made a beeline for Evan at the table while Heidi busied herself with putting away the dishes in the sink.

Heidi dried her hands on a dish towel while she turned towards the boys at the table. She observed that her son was furiously hitting the backspace on his computer while Connor applied the topcoat of black nail polish to his cuticles.

“Nice nails,” Heidi remarked as she put down the dish towel.

Connor looked up startled before he ducked his head back down and mumbled out a “thanks.”

“Evan used to love painting his nails,” Heidi remarked as she took a step towards the kitchen table.

Heidi felt herself let out a laugh at how comically fast Connor’s head whipped up and how ridiculously wide his eyes became.

“Evan I can’t imagine you with painted nails,” Connor said as he laughed and capped his nail polish.

“I’ll have to show you some pictures sometime,” Heidi replied as she squeezed Evan’s shoulder on her way out of the kitchen.  
……………………

Evan stared at his recently deleted letter. He’d stared at all that remained of his attempt to show Dr. Sherman that he was indeed getting better when he heard Connor clear his throat which caused him to look up, startled.

“So why’d you stop painting your nails Hansen?” Connor asked grabbing two sodas out of the fridge and passing one to Evan.

“I just grew out of it I guess,” Evan replied before he looked away from Connor and started to fidget with the end of his shirt.

Connor shrugged before taking a sip of his soda and started to say, “painting my nails..” before getting cut off. Cut off by Evan of all people?

“Sorry. I don’t uh, um, my dad actually. It was my dad. He’s why I stopped. He thought that um painting your nails was girly? So he’s why I stopped, I dunno why I lied earlier. Yea. So, uh yea,” Evan said as he began to nervously scratch his nose.

“That’s fucked up Hansen.”

“So your dad? He um doesn’t..” Evan asked trailing off.

Connor released a short laugh that startled Evan before he replied “does my dad care that I paint my nails black to match the color of my soul you mean?”

Evan merely nodded as he continued to scratch at his nose. Evan knew he should stop soon because he could already feel bits of peeled off skin under his cuticles.

“Painting my nails is literally the least destructible thing I do. Larry doesn’t love it but it ranks at probably like 1039 on the list of things that I do that utterly disappoints him.”  
“That’s um, that’s good then,” Evan replied as he started to chew on his nails.

Connor merely shrugged “no offense Ev your dad seems like a douche so why’d you care what he said about your nails?”’

Evan hunched down as much as the chair allowed, “well you see it was around the time my parents were fighting more. I thought if I could um just be a better son, a more normal son that my dad would want to stay. He didn’t handle my anxiety well so I figured painting my nails was just too much you know? It’sdumbI’mdumbIknow” Evan finished in a rush.

“Well isn’t that the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Your dad’s an ass. I’m pretty sure my parents wish they had you as a son,” Connor replied before he took another sip of his soda.

“Can we um, could we maybe just drop it?” Evan asked as he closed his laptop because he knew no matter what he wasn’t going to be able to concentrate on his letter now.  
Just another way he’ll disappoint Dr. Sherman he supposed.

“Sure, we can adjourn the shitty dad convention to another day. Wanna watch another episode of Planet Earth?” Connor asked as he grabbed Evan’s hand and squeezed.  
Evan laughed as he shook his head, “I’ll make the popcorn.”

“And I’ll call for pizza later,” Connor said as he pulled up Netflix on the Hansen's TV

...................

After Connor had left for the evening Evan had retreated to his room for the night and he found his eyes flittering over to his closet door.

Evan let out a deep breath as he walked over to, and dug, around his closet which was pitifully bare compared to people like Zoe and Alana and even Connor who packed all of his art supplies away in the back of his closet. All Evan had in his closet were his old polo’s he’d retired after Zoe had forced him out to the mall to replace his old wardrobe of polo’s and khakis shortly after him and Connor started dating.

Soon Evan’s hands found purchase on what he had looked for and he held the makeshift box full of his old nail polish close to his chest as he slid down to the floor.

Evan’s hands fluttered across the tops of his nail polish. It wasn’t a particularly large or diverse collection—he hadn’t accrued many colors beyond the basic blues and blacks before he’d shuttered it all away in the vain hope of keeping his dad around. A part of Evan always knew that the fact that he liked painting his nails wasn’t what had driven his dad away and it probably had nothing to do with his anxiety either but his seven year old brain was so sure that if he’d just been more—normal—that his dad wouldn’t have up and moved to Colorado.

Evan carefully put the royal blue nail polish back in the makeshift box before he shoved it beneath his bed and turned out the lights.   
……………………

Next time Evan was out with Connor he carefully pulled a royal blue and purple nail polish off the shelf and secretly paid for it while Connor and Zoe bickered over who’s turn it was to pick the restaurant for lunch.

Evan wasn’t sure if he’d pick up his nail polish habit again but like Connor had pointed out some weeks ago his dad was an ass and he wasn’t coming back so he decided that maybe it was time that he stopped trying to impress a nonexistent parental figure.

Evan briefly wondered as he cashed out at the self-checkout if this was what Dr. Sherman would deem progress?

Evan decided to not ask about it at his next session because he’s afraid of the answer.

One step forward, a half step backwards Evan supposed as he pocketed the change and rushed to catch up with Connor and Zoe.   
……………………..

Evan wiped his hands down his jean pants before he readied himself to knock on the Murphy’s front door. Connor and Zoe always said he didn’t have to knock but the thought of not knocking only served to send his anxiety into overdrive. So knocking it was.

“Oh hi Evan,” Zoe said as she opened the door and let Evan pass her by in the entryway. “Connor’s up in his room, you can just go on up,” Zoe said before she rejoined Alana on the couch and resumed whatever it was they were watching.

Evan waved at Alana before he toed off his shoes and placed them beside Connor’s combat boots.

It was a half hour later when Connor set off to raid the kitchen for some snacks and Evan put down his English essay he was editing that he nervously felt around in his jeans pocket for the nail polish he’d grabbed on his way out the door. It’d been a month since he’d purchased the purple polish and every time he’d gone to apply it himself his hands would shake too much for any polish to make it onto his cuticle.

Evan wasn’t sure why he was so nervous to ask his boyfriend to paint his nails; he knew Connor wouldn’t say no or make fun of him and yet here he was spiraling closer and closer to a panic attack as he sat in Connor’s room.

Evan managed to sit the bottle down on top of Connor’s copy of “The Little Prince” that Connor had been re-reading before he’d decided to take a snack break.

“So fucking Zoe finished the Doritos but I figured…” Connor had started to say as he moved to shut the door behind him.

“Evan,” Connor said as he came further into the room and noticed the purple polish standing on his book.

Evan tore his gaze away from Connor and his mountain of snacks hoping that by looking at anyone but Connor would make it easier to get through this.

“Can you. Would you mind? If it isn’t too much trouble..” Evan started.

“Do you want me to paint your nails Ev?” Connor asked as he dumped his snacks onto his bed.

Evan deflated and released the breath he hadn’t know he’d held before he whispered “please, yes.”

Evan turned his head back so he faced Connor and he blushed as he felt Connor place a kiss on his palm before he unscrewed the polish.

“I haven’t really painted anyone’s nails in a while. I used to paint Zoe’s before, before well you know,” Connor said as he waved his hand around before he grasped Evan’s left hand and readied his hands to apply the first coat of nail gel.

“You’ll be fine Connor. I um, I tried to apply it last week but my hands were shaking and it was just a mess,” Evan replied as he shrugged his shoulders before he watched Connor apply the polish.

Evan let out a small smile at seeing the look of concentration on Connor’s face and his stomach did a tumble at the small slip of tongue that peeked out between Connor’s lips.

“I used to like the weight of polish on my hands when I was younger. It felt nice,” Evan said as he broke the peaceful silence as Connor finished applying polish to his pinky.

“Purple’s a nice color on you. I figured you’d be a periwinkle blue kind of guy,” Connor laughed as he watched with fascination as Evan took in his one painted hand.

Evan shrugged before he went on to say, “I used to use a lot of blues and greens actually but um I wanted to try something different. Isn’t that funny. I mean me? Me who hates change willingly making a change seems ridiculous?”

“It’s not. You’ve changed. I know you think that you haven’t but you have. You uh don’t stutter as much at least not around me and you are better at asking for what you need. You should be proud of that Evan? I know I am and so is Zoe and your mom too,” Connor said as he began to apply polish to Evan’s other hand.

Evan bit his lip before he whispered “thanks. Um I guess I thought I hadn’t changed much because meeting with Dr. Sherman it just feels like I haven’t made any progress. So thanks.”

Connor leaned over and kissed Evan’s cheek once he’d capped the polish. 

“I like it. You’re good at painting nails so Zoe doesn’t know what she’s missing out on,” Evan said as he let a small smile slip across his face.

“Want me to stay until your dad gets home so we can show him another way you’ve corrupted me?”

“Would you?” The eye roll he’ll let out will be epic and it would be a nice way to set the tone for dinner you know?”

Evan laughed before he kissed Connor again and squeezed their hands together.  
……………………………………………   
_Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a good day and here’s why because you painted your nails for the first time in a while and that’s progress._


End file.
